My word that I chose for 2021 is unfolding. And where that has absolutely been a theme this year, a concurrent one I think, or at least an alternate word choice, would have to be boundaries.
All year I have been challenged in different ways with creating, maintaining, and defending boundaries. Sometimes with people I care very deeply about, or who by all accounts should care very deeply about me. But when you have decades of unprocessed trauma, are carrying the weight of ancestral trauma and expectation, have never had your own sense of self, and/or have not regularly subscribed to empathy and self-care, someone setting a hard boundary in front of you is not exactly something you are equipped to navigate.
In the plainest of terms, boundaries are a bitch. But you are absolutely allowed to take care of yourself, your loved ones, and your children. You are absolutely allowed to draw that hard line and hold it. No one, NO ONE is allowed into your space without your permission. NO ONE is entitled to your territory. You are your OWN person. You care for your OWN self. You protect your OWN children. And no amount of yelling, hissing, temper tantrums, or damaged egos is going to change that fact.
Boundaries are something I’ve become very passionate about. They are absolutely a game-changer and are an important part of living authentically. Without boundaries, we allow people to take advantage of us, to tell us how we are to live our lives, and inevitably betray the most important parts of ourselves. We begin to live for others instead of living for ourselves - and while caring for and helping others is an important part of humanity, we cannot do any of that until we ourselves are cared for and helped. No one else is going to do that for us, so we have to be the ones to do it for ourselves. But because boundaries have been so traditionally taboo, especially in previous generations where self-sacrifice is seen as the noblest of pursuits, when we enact those boundaries, we are often met with a LOT of resistance.
Holding on to our boundaries, holding on to our power, and defending it in times of attack - whether intentional or passive - can be exhausting. It can whittle us down to grains. It can cause friction and arguments. Sometimes we can’t help but rise to it, especially if we’re still working on being present and mindful in our daily lives. It’s okay. It’s okay if you raise your voice. It’s okay if you get upset. Emotions are valid and you are entitled to feel what you feel. But you are responsible for your actions. If you yourself overstep a line or cross someone else’s boundary, be sure to apologize and alter your actions to respect the person you’re interacting with.
This does NOT, however, mean you have to compromise your own.
You can maintain your boundaries while being respectful of someone else’s. In the event of an impasse, pause, or politely remove yourself from the situation so you can regain your center. They may not like that either, and that’s okay.
The most important thing though, is to always remain true to yourself.
Just make sure you know who that is.
There is no sense fighting for something that isn’t true. There is no sense in holding a boundary for someone that you’re not. So the first step in boundary setting and maintenance is to discover who you are. While that is of course a lifelong process, its unfolding will help you mark what is or is not important for you in your life. Setting your boundaries, and your reactions to them when crossed, will help clarify those important things and help you dive further into the truth of your Self. It’s ongoing. We are eternally peeling back layer after layer. We are always discovering something new about ourselves.
Or at least we should be if we’re committed to our own growth. “This is who I am, take it or leave it,” is NOT a boundary. (It’s actually several other things, but we’ll save that for another blog post.) It is not allowing for openness, for communication, for resolving differences, or for growth. It is not protecting yourself or someone else. It is being determined to remain stuck in a single place simply for the sake of staying there. There’s a big difference between a boundary and obstinacy. Make sure you know that difference.
Sometimes though, you just have to walk away. Acknowledge the situation and then step out of it. There are more important things than “being right.” Your own well-being tops that list. You may not be able to help someone else understand your position or where you’re coming from. Others can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves, and if they are barely acknowledging that there’s a tree in front of them let alone an entire forest, they cannot possibly understand the depths of the roots in the ground, the way they unite and support each other, the other beings they give life to, or the nourishment that is necessary to sustain them.
Set your boundary. Hold the line. Honor what is most important to you. At the end of the day, you have to be able to face yourself. If you can still do that, then regardless of circumstance, you’re doing just fine. 💖