I know many of us struggle with being our honest and authentic selves. I have too, for the better part of my life if I’m being completely honest. We are raised and conditioned with living up to others’ expectations. With meeting someone else’s goal or deadline or standard. We have faced repeated rejections when attempting to be ourselves or speak our truth, and that makes it all the more difficult to put ourselves out there again.
The past few weeks though, I've had a few opportunities to really just drop the pretense, the expectations others have put onto me without my permission, and the conditioning I have come to expect from myself. Situations where there were no expectations (like a coffee date with a high school friend I haven't seen in almost 20 years), or where it was completely my/our event or situation that no one else had control over or a say in (like the Blessing Ceremony we had for our daughter on May 1st.) There were a few others as well, but collectively, they served as times where I was completely free to just be who I am. It's something I've been working on quite a bit this past year - rejecting that idea of being someone you're not, or feeling the need to hide away the truest parts of yourself. So as difficult as it sometimes is to live freely, these opportunities to try to live what I've been working towards were a welcome test.
In the practice of being a Mother, both before she arrived and since, I have had to face myself and my reality. I have had to ask myself who it is I am, who I want her to see, what I want to model for her. And always, ALWAYS, I want it to be that I am being true to myself, being honest with myself and with others, not feeling the need to hide away or “fit in.” I’ve been working on it by putting myself out there more even with this business. I have stopped editing (or maybe not editing quite as much lol) what I want to say for the comfort of someone else. Now, I don’t go out and act harshly, or find ways to be brutal in the interest of “honesty.” But I don’t self-censor when I’m talking about something that’s important to me. I don’t worry that someone is going to think I’m crazy. I mean, if you do, great! I’m happy here in my crazyland and it is my prerogative to live here lol. It is after all, a much happier place to be than living a life for someone else, or adjusting my Self to please another - who let’s be real, probably wouldn’t be pleased no matter what I offered to them.
Friends... I have to say… as scary as it is to embrace and share who we truly are, believe me when I tell you, the feeling of actually LIVING it is like nothing I've ever experienced. I know we can tap into it in small instances. But then sometimes you go back to your regularly-scheduled life and it becomes difficult to open up again. But what I've learned from the past few weeks is that to BE in that openness, to not have to agonize over saying or doing the "right" or "expected" thing, to legitimately not be affected by the opinion of someone else because you know you're being true to yourself... it is the absolute best and most amazing space to exist. And something I am continuing to strive for. I know now what it's like, and that is the best motivation to try to live there permanently.
It helps that I have been culling and cultivating those that surround me. Gradually distancing from those who are not interested in walking with me, or who don’t have my best interest at heart. Those who can’t seem to share in my success and want only to share in failure or pain - or vice versa. Those who have their own paths that no longer run parallel to my own. I have been making a concerted effort to put out the energy of the relationships I want to receive in return. Embracing the people who rise to it. And wouldn’t ya know… it turns out that doing that has yielded a close-knit group of friends the likes of which I have always dreamed to be a part of. People who love and care for me regardless of what I’m going through. Who stand by me through joy and sorrow. Who are available to listen or to celebrate. Who appreciate my presence in their life as much as I appreciate their presence in mine. I feel that that is such an important piece of living an authentic life. Not that you shouldn’t be open to opinions that differ from yours - truthfully, this group of mine has no issue in sharing their views, even if our thoughts differ. We still respect each other and appreciate alternate ways of looking at life, society, philosophy, or The Universe. But it’s the exchange between us that makes it different. That makes it sacred. And that makes me grateful to have them in my life.
Now, I’m not fully “there” yet. I still have work to do, shadows to overcome, conditioning to undo, and an inner child to heal. But this… this taste of pure freedom… of a life lived without fear or worry… It. Is. Intoxicating. And it feels more healthy than any other method of living I have tried to adopt. With 40 looming over the horizon, I feel it’s about time to take the training wheels off, or stop worrying that someone isn’t holding on to my bicycle seat. But it’s in that rush of wind as you know you’re riding on your own. That you are in control. That you and the wind and the sun are one. And even if you lose your balance, you can always get back up and go again. That’s where the sweet spot of living exists.
My hope is that all of us can experience this gift and learn to live and love our beautiful, authentic selves. Because we are all incredible souls, and we all deserve to be free to be our best. 💖