“Heart don’t fail me now, courage don’t desert me! Don’t turn back now that we’re here…
People always say “Life is full of choices.” No one ever mentions fear…
Or how the world can seem so vast…
On a journey to the past…”
Words and music from Anastasia, and a perfect reflection of this past week for me.
This week has been… *exhales*… a lot. Like… a lot a lot. Not bad necessarily. By all accounts, the week went by somewhat uneventfully. But the undertones… the messages… the signs… the deep soul dives… just… fucking intense.
It started with a trip to my favorite crystal shop last Friday. I took my soul-sister along for the ride since she had never been there, We had some good chats, reminisced over how far we’ve both come and some fairly substantial changes that have recently occurred in both our lives. Upon arriving at the crystal shop and running into another dear friend of mine, I learned that the online spiritual community I had been a part of for over a year now was going to be shutting down. There were new plans, which I completely support, and I’m 100% on board for the new endeavors - it wasn’t super negative, or anything like that. To be honest, it wasn’t even really a shock for me as I had seen how taxed she had become with running this group. In fact, I’d been worried about her for months as the stress of it all had been taking its toll on her health. Yet there was a tiny piece of me that began to mourn its loss. This group had done so much for me. Offered me so many opportunities to learn, to advance, to level up. I wouldn’t be where I am - Dove and Blackbird wouldn’t be what it is - without this group. And so I became keenly aware of change on the horizon.
The next day, Saturday, brought the funeral of a man who was instrumental during my formative years and a constant, quiet, supportive presence in adulthood. A man whose light shone brightly for all and who left the world a little bit dimmer with his death. A teacher, a mentor, a friend. Purveyor of Hershey Kisses and Super Grover. Amateur comedian, prankster, and one of the most clever… and most kind… people I have ever met. He was truly special. And though my heart was so glad to have held space for him and his family that day, it also brought back memories… for I was sharing space with others who had walked with me during those formative years… for good and for ill. I was happy to see some, to share where my life had taken me. There were some I preferred to avoid - who left little to no good feeling in me from those tumultuous days of adolescence. It rekindled in me the memory of who I was back then…
And as if on cue… Sunday night brought me a dream. A dream of who I was back then. And of the boy who had been my co-anchor. My constant partner in crime. The Dawson to my Joey, and who I had had a massive falling out with just weeks before our high school graduation. In this dream, we were on the street. He was standing around the corner of a building as I had made a joke while walking down the sidewalk. He laughed, turned the corner to see who had made the joke. We instantly recognized each other… and ran to each other, embracing for the first time in almost 20 years. In that moment, we were connected. And upon waking, waves of emotion, nostalgia, and memories came crashing over me. Monday brought me two additional signs - unmistakable - about the same boy. An inside joke I had not made in years, and the unexpected repetition of his name over and over again in completely unrelated ways. He was everywhere this week. I swear I even smelled him. And the adventures of ours that I can still recall swam through my head over and over again. Our relationship had been a bit… volatile. Our times together not always beautiful. But I was surprised to find how fondly I remembered him despite all that. I found out later this week of a recent achievement of his - the realization of a dream I know he had had since childhood. And even though his words and actions to me were not always kind, (he’d had his own demons after all), I discovered that I was really and truly happy for him. Proud that he made that dream of his come true.
In the midst of all this of course, was my last blog post… “Faith-based…” , which, if you read it, you know was chock full o’ shadows from days past…
Are we sensing a theme here yet?
I’ve looked at old photographs. Had some in-depth conversations about my past experiences. I’ve reconnected with some people I haven’t spoken to in years and been reminded of others who once walked this journey with me. The emotional overflow from the spiritual community closing had me grieving and supporting simultaneously because of how deeply I believe in the community, how much it had changed my life, how overjoyed I am to be a part of the new chapter, and how difficult the decisions were that had to be made. TV shows, songs… I could go on and list every moment that linked to my past in these recent weeks, and this week in particular. Believe me, there are more than I ever expected.
But those details are not what are most important... At first, I didn’t understand WHY all of this was happening. I knew that I had seen some posts about how due to something astrological, (forgive me, I can’t remember the specifics), that “the past may be returning to your life.” I read them. I put them in the back of my mind. I didn’t exactly dwell on them because astrological phenomena affect people in different ways - there was no guarantee I’d experience any of that. Yet here they were. Return they did, and they were making their presence known. Loudly. For days I couldn’t piece it together. I recognized that it was important, that there was something to be gleaned from all this, but with growing frustration, I simply could not make sense of it all.
Until it finally clicked.
Maybe it was the journaling I had done. The meditations. The card-slinging. The conversations. Or E. All of the above. Who knows. See, the thing is, even though I was being overwhelmed with the ghosts of Jenn-mas past, emotionally, I was okay. There was a time that I would definitely NOT have been. At all. But I was. I learned I had forgiven past hurts. I gained some perspective on people, on events, and on my developing character at the time.
But most importantly, what these last weeks of walking down Memory Lane have shown me… is how much I’ve grown. It showed me how elements of who I am now have been there since childhood. How the core of who I am never changed, but that I had to unlearn the pain, the distrust, the circumstances that led me to doubt myself. It showed me how I have beaten the odds. How I conquered the anguish of my adolescence, the rebuilding of my life after a broken, abusive marriage. It showed me how strong I have been, the mountains I have scaled, the valleys I have crossed. It may not seem like much to someone from the outside, but from these eyes, I see it all. Every detail. Every cross. Every hurdle. And every victory.
Living in the past is a dangerous pastime, I wouldn’t recommend it. The only way through this life is forward. BUT, I do think it is important for us to take the time to reflect. To pat ourselves on the back for surviving another day. To celebrate our triumphs and acknowledge the perseverance that it took to reach them. My story is just one story. Your story is just as important… and worth just as much.
When was the last time you journeyed to your past? When was the last time you checked in to see how far you’ve come? It’s a brand new month. Mercury Retrograde is on the way - a time of “RE”s… Review, Reflect, Renew, Reassess, Relax, Revamp, Recharge… It’s a perfect time to get to work on those shadows, to honor them for what they were and what they’ve taught you. It’s a time to shine that brilliant light of yours into your depths and see what you are made of. It is a time to reassure yourself that you’ve made it this far, that you grow stronger every day, and that you are ready to be your best and most glorious self.
“One step at a time, One hope then another…
Who knows where this road may go?
Back to who I was. On to find my future…
Things my heart still needs to know…
Yes! Let this be a sign, let this road be mine!
Let it lead me to my past…
And bring me home… at last!”
💖🕯🕊
