Whaaat!? 2 blog posts in one month!!??
No, it’s not your birthday - well, maybe it is. Happy birthday!
But this is that rare occasion where I have something to say and the words are coming relatively easily. So here goes…
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Recently, everyone has been posting/sharing their “Decade Challenge” on the interwebs. Now, I’m not one to jump on bandwagons just for the sake of jumping. But if the journey is worthwhile, then hell yeah, I’ll take that ride. But something kept on keeping me from doing it with this one.
After some reflection, the answer I got was this:
A photo comparison of a 10-year span does not do justice to that 10 years.
Now, maybe you’re one of those people who is in the very same place you were 10 years ago. If so, congratulations I guess. Though, I may recommend you stop playing it safe, and start living a little.
But for most of us, those 10 years hold countless changes. To our appearance, our state of mind, our life, and our place in it.
For me, those 10 years contain several lifetimes.
Now I know on the surface, it doesn’t look like a whole lot has changed in these 10 years for the girl in the photo below. But her hair color changed. So have her priorities. Her place of residence. Her pets. The places and people with whom she chooses to spend her time. Hell, even that circle on her left ring finger - is not the same circle.
And the thing is, in our day-to-day lives, sometimes we miss all that. Or the people who are now in these lives don’t know or understand the paths we’ve walked to get to where we are. Oftentimes, we’re so quick to participate in a social media challenge, that we miss the opportunity that those challenges really afford us.
An opportunity to look back - from a safe distance - to more fully appreciate the person we are.
2009 was quite a year for me. It brought me back to the world of theatre, which I had left for a few years. In doing so, it brought me new friends, a new atmosphere, and new ways of starting to piece together that the life I lived at the time… was not quite right. It wasn’t anything loud. Just a little whisper here, a raised eyebrow there, follwed by a subtle change, then a puzzle piece… But what 2009 really was for me… was an inhale. A slow and sharp intake of breath just before the exhale of calamity, self-discovery, and the Tower-esque change that was my 2010.
In this photo below? You can’t see that. You just see a girl being silly backstage at her local community theatre. The first and only time I was in Rocky Horror where I got to play one of the Usherettes who sang “Science Fiction Double Feature,” and a member of an ensemble that was one of my favorite casts to date.
You don’t see the verbal abuse. Or the emotional. You don’t see the physical because that wasn’t until 2010. (Of course, you didn’t see it then either.) You don’t see her being forbidden from spending time with her friends. Of not being able to welcome them into her home. You don’t see the third degree she received every time she left for rehearsal. Every time she returned. Whenever she mentioned doing another show.
You don’t see the gaslighting. The control. The manipulation.
You don’t see her bright sharp mind because it’s clouded by ADHD meds. You don’t see the future music teacher. The small business entrepreneur.
The survivor.
But she’s there.
Or she will be.
See, the decade challenge was particularly tough for me too, because one year after that photograph… that EXACT time period - month, days… but one year later… that girl’s entire life was turned upside down. Starting with a suspicious illness that my 10-years-later self finally was able to recognize as a Chemical Pregnancy. An event which led to the discontinuing of her meds. Which brought back that sharp mind. Which clued her in to the abuse. Which made her start fighting back. Which made it turn physical. Which led to his seeking treatment. Which intensified the abuse. Which made her agree to sacrifice all she had built for the sake of his getting help and trying to save an already imploding marriage. Which made him gift her one day in which to enjoy herself before she gave it all up for him. So she did - enjoy herself for a day that still goes down as one of the top 10 best days. Until she came home. When he made one final effort to regain control over her again…
Which she used as her motivation to finally walk away.
On October 24th, 2010.
She spent the next week packing up her life, choosing what she had to leave behind in order to get out of there sooner. She hunted for an apartment of her own - which she moved into the first week of November, 2010 with the help of her parents and a few great friends. She returned to songwriting. She joined a band. She made new friends - rekindled the light with some old ones. She got to actually spend time with them. She committed to teaching music. And bit by bit, she started making a new life.
Then she plunged into depression. Consumed with loneliness. Blaming herself. Hating herself. Constantly finding herself back on the other edge of a blade, one cut away from ending it all. But another cut into a problem that haunted her since her teenage years.
She became even more active in theatre, but more often from behind the scenes because she never really needed the spotlight, even if it seemed like she did.
She sought counseling and started working through her conflicting emotions.
Her band split up. She started a solo music project.
She finally stopped cutting.
She compiled a repertoire of songs she had written to process the last several years of her life. And she released an album of original material.
She met a man who changed her world. They started dating. He treated her better than any other person she had ever been with. Helped her understand what it truly meant to be loved. She began finally healing the wounds. Because it was finally safe to. He proved his worth a thousand times over. And she married him.
She got a second cat, and eventually buried the first - who had been there for her and with her through the entire trauma of 2010.
She was treated unfairly at the job she’d held and loved for 8.5 years, so she left it. Because she had learned by now what it meant to bow to someone who exercised their strength and authority simply to make you feel inferior. And she refused to do it. Proof of how she’d grown.
She reconnected to her own Spirituality and reawakened into a newfound peace. She learned many things, uncovered much about herself, and began to understand her place in this vast Universe. She launched her own small business rooted in that Spirituality so that she may help others find THEIR peace, and help them to heal their wounds.
She asked her photographer friend to do a professional photo shoot for the purpose of using it for that business. Which led to the photo on the right.
…And those are just the major headlines.
This year, 2019, has felt like another giant inhale. I’ve written about the big changes I know are coming. I’ve caught glimmers of their approach. And I am eagerly awaiting all that is to come.
Because change, ultimately, is GOOD.
Without change, I wouldn’t be here writing this to you. For you. With you.
Without change, I would not have the incredible people who surround me in this life. I would not have strengthened the relationships with those who have been with me these last 10 years… some of them even longer.
Without change, Dove and Blackbird would not even have been a blip on the radar.
Without change, I would never have started teaching music, would not have discovered this job that I adore, and would not have helped dozens of students find their voice.
Without change, I would not have met my husband. Nor said yes to his invitation to navigate the rest of these lives together.
And without change, I would still be stuck in a loveless, abusive marriage with a man who only saw me as a game to be played and conquered. By any means necessary.
With Thanksgiving only a few short days away, it is with absolute ease that I find things to be grateful for. This year, and every year. I practice it on a daily basis in fact. Because I recognize what my life could have been, and I am so incredibly thankful for this life that I fought for, the people in it, and who I have become.
So bring it on, 2020. I am ready for you. I am so excited to see what you have in store. If 2019 has been any indication, we’re in for a wild ride.
💖🕯🕊
